Supporting your adult child through cancer

If you’re the parent of someone in our community with cancer, we know there’s not a lot of information out there to support you. But it doesn’t matter how old your kids are, once you’re a parent, you’re always a parent. And if your child is facing a serious health issue like cancer, we can only imagine how much this feeling increases.

No doubt you’ve been trying, over the years, to let your kids flourish. Perhaps they’ve moved away from ‘home’, perhaps they’re navigating their own relationships and don’t rely on you as much as they once did. If cancer’s thrown into the mix though? Everything changes. Your child is no longer really a child, but they may need more support from you than before their diagnosis.

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Challenges and role changes

In a paper on “Challenges and role changes in caring for adult children with cancer” from Excelsior College, the mother of a young man diagnosed with cancer in his 20s explained:  

“Stephan had achieved many common milestones set by sociologists that serve as benchmarks in the transition to adulthood: He achieved a degree, left his childhood home, was financially independent, and was in a long-term relationship. His diagnosis seemed to make the world stop. His independence was replaced with agendas designed by various health-care providers: appointments that included ultrasounds, labs, meetings with specialists, surgery, chest port insertion, and chemotherapy treatments. My role in supporting his independence changed, too. I suddenly felt unscripted for the journey of this experience.”

What do parents who have adult children with cancer think and feel about their child’s diagnosis?

Common feelings for parents of adult children with cancer can include:

• Blame. Many parents wonder if they did something to cause their child’s cancer. They can worry about things they ate during pregnancy, environmental factors, family history and other genetic influences. In reality, this blame is misplaced – even though it can feel very real

• “I’d rather it was me”. We’ve heard lots of parents (and even grandparents in some cases!) wish it was them who had been diagnosed with cancer. If they could take away their child’s suffering, they would. When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, you can feel a lack of control, even a helplessness. In this situation it can feel like you’d be more in control and less helpless if it was happening to you

• Not knowing how to cope. Parents often have an innate urge to ‘fix’ problems. But cancer isn’t something that can be fixed without medical intervention. Lack of sleep, loss of concentration, impacted appetite are all signs you’er struggling to manage

• Not knowing how to help. As Stephan’s mum said above, the role of parents can change when an adult child is sick. The lines between helping and hindering may be blurry, and there may be other people who step into a role of carer that might historically have gone to a parent. There may be an urge to step in and take over but there’s also the recognition that their child is an independent adult

• Intense emotions. It’s common to feel angry, scared, worried or sad when confronted with cancer. These emotions can conflict with the idea that a parent should be ‘strong’ or ‘brave’. But this kind of positivity can be toxic, especially if it means you’re squashing down other difficult feelings.

So how can you help when it feels almost impossible?

Communication is key

And clear communication is the lock to put the key in. Talk about what’s happening. Ask your son/daughter how they would like you to help, what support they might need. They might not know initially, so you could suggest things like sending a food delivery, helping with the housework, supporting with childcare. Be careful not to overwhelm them with options, but let them know there are options available.

Acknowledge they’re in the driving seat

Those feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming. Your child might turn to you for support, or they might turn to others for support. Both are fine. If you find they’re not coming to you as much as you might expect, try not to hold it against them or get frustrated. They may be trying to protect you. Your role may be big or small – but it’s not size that matters, it’s what you do with it.

Information can help

You might find it helps to get lots of information about your child’s disease. It can help you get some of that control you might feel you’re really lacking. But make sure to get your information from reliable sources. Cancer Research, Macmillan or organisations specific to the type of cancer your child has are good places to start. Be wary of overwhelming your child with the information you’ve found. Saying things like “I found a resource about this the other day, do you want me to share it with you” lets them know it’s OK if they don’t want to read more stuff right now.

Respect the other people who might be supporting your child

It’s easy to think “I’m their parent! I’ll help any way I can!” but sometimes that can mean leaving space for other people to support. Work with anyone else involved to make a plan and remember that you might not be you who’s doing most of the organising. Apps such as ‘Jointly’ (from Carers UK) can be helpful, to keep everyone informed and organise rotas. Going back to Stephan’s mum, she said:  

“My son’s girlfriend and I promised one another to be open and honest in our communication. As his mother, I just wanted to be by his side, caring, cooking, and assuring his comfort. Those instinctive urges are powerful yet not realistic. My son’s girlfriend and I openly discussed ways I could help: sending over a few meals, assuming responsibility for transportation to and from chemotherapy on certain days, and being the key person to keep extended family informed. I was surprised at how quickly our honest communication became a well-oiled machine of support for my son and their home life.”

Offer concrete solutions, rather than vague ideas for help

Cancer and its treatments are overwhelming. One of the things people tell us most is that they found it most useful when people either “just did stuff” or offered concrete ways to help. Whether it’s saying “I’ll pop over and give the house a clean if you want?” or “Would you like me to do you a food shop?” or “Shall I pick up the kids tomorrow?” means the person with cancer doesn’t have to think too hard about what they might need from you. And it takes the pressure off them having to ask too.

Look after yourself

There’s a phrase which has become a bit overused over the years. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And however cliche this might be, it’s incredibly true. To be the pest support possible for your child, you need to take care of yourself too. Look after yourself by:

• Asking for help if you’re struggling. Your GP is a good first port of call

• Taking care not to neglect the things that make you feel good

• Don’t ignore any physical or emotional symptoms you might experience

• Take breaks – time away from “cancer world” is vital

• Find people to talk to that aren’t others who are caring for your child. Your friends can be an invaluable source of support

• Maggie’s, Macmillan and other cancer charities can offer support for you as well as your child. Use the resources they offer.

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