My partner has cancer

Cancer in your 20s or 30s is something you never expect. As a result, you certainly don't expect your partner to get cancer. But sometimes, it happens. And it can bring with it a whole host of challenges. No doubt questions like "how am I feeling?" "how are they feeling?" and "what the hell do we do?" might be swirling around your brain. You might also be wondering how they'll be affected, if your relationship will change, how any kids you have now or in the future might be impacted. You might also, understandably, have questions about your sex life. We're here to help you tackle them all.

How is your partner feeling?

Chances are, they have a lot of questions. They might be wondering about their diagnosis, their prognosis (the likely course of their disease), what their treatment will look like and how cancer is going to impact their lives. They might be angry, sad, frustrated, numb or trying to get on with things as best they can. Sometimes people diagnosed with cancer feel like they have to put on a brave face. They might feel like they have to "be strong" or "stay positive" but this isn't always helpful. However they're feeling, know that this might change at any point. Navigating cancer is a rollercoaster and emotions are often hugely impacted.

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How are you feeling?

Being part of a couple where one person has cancer and the other doesn't can feel incredibly complicated. Like your partner, you might feel shocked, angry, sad, numb. How long you've been together might impact your reaction. If you've only been together for a short amount of time, you might wonder if you can deal with their diagnosis. You might find yourself feeling like you're on the side-lines while family and friends gather to offer support. If you've been in a relationship for a while, you might need support for yourself, or feel like your needs aren't being met. And you might feel guilty for having those feelings. But very little about a cancer diagnosis makes sense in the early days. Give yourself time to adjust and find ways to support yourself. This guide on supporting someone with cancer from Macmillan might be helpful.

What should you expect?

Every cancer and every person's experience of treatment is different, so there are no hard and fast rules around what to expect. How established your relationship is will likely impact how you feel and how your relationship is affected. For example, if you live together or have a family together, the impact could be massive. You might have to support your partner and your family - emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. If you're casually seeing each other, your life might not change that much, but your relationship may change while your partner focuses on their treatment. Whatever stage you find yourself at, it's really important to get support if you're finding things difficult. Sometimes we can feel like we have to be strong for those we love, but it's OK if you feel scared and upset too.

Will our relationship change?

Every relationship is different - but one thing is for sure - cancer can have a massive impact. Some relationships suffer while others grow stronger. You may grow apart or find that you want different things. With or without cancer in the mix, that's part of life. You shouldn't stay with your partner 'because' of cancer - that's not fair on either of you. The biggest thing to consider is how you communicate with one another. Being open and honest is key for every relationship, but even more so when cancer is involved.

What about kids?

If you've already started a family you might feel worried about how your children will deal with their parent being sick. We might feel like we need to protect them from any bad news but it's important to be honest with them. Kids know a lot more than we often give them credit for. Give them the opportunity to ask questions and process all of the change that might be happening around them. Check out our guide to parenting and cancer for more information.

If you don't have kids but it's something you want in your future, it's important to chat about this with your partner. Cancer or its treatments may impact their fertility, either temporarily or permanently. They should be able to access fertility preservation and storage, but this isn't always possible because of how quickly treatment needs to happen. Chat about your options with your partner and, if it's right for you both, with their medical team.

I feel guilty, but I've been thinking about our sex life...

Firstly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a happy and healthy sex life. You and your partner should be able to enjoy life as much as possible and that includes sex. Things will probably change - but these changes don't last forever. Your partner might not feel physically up for it, or their body confidence may have been impacted by their illness. It might be that one of you isn't, or both of you aren't, feeling 'in the mood'. But as with most of these things, communication is key. We have a great Lifting the Lid on Sex and Cancer it might be useful for you to check out.

How do I deal with all of this if my partner and I are from the LGBTQIA+ community?

In theory, all of this stands if you and your partner are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. But we know the way you interact with medical professionals can be difficult if you're in a same sex relationship or don't fit into the gender binary. Sexual orientation and gender identity should not affect your access to the right healthcare. Your healthcare team should offer you care, support and information that meets your needs. Our friends at Outpatients partnered with Macmillan to create a resource specifically for LGBTQIA+ people going through cancer. You can also check out our guide to LGBTQIA+ sex and cancer here. OUTpatients is also a great place to find help, support and guidance from your community, for your community.

What you can do

There are ways you can make a difference to your partner while they're facing cancer. Let them know you're there and they can talk to you about whatever they're feeling. It's important to be yourself - chances are *everything* has changed for your partner. But you don't have to change who you are. Laugh about cancer if that's the right thing for your relationship, ask them what they need from you and how you can help.

You might find it helpful to find out a bit more about the sorts of things which might be affecting your partner so you can offer practical help too. You can research the type of cancer they have, or you can look into what benefits they can access, organisations that might help them, resources that might be useful and loads more. Maybe you just want to buy them a gift of something they might need in hospital - like gifts or snacks - or something to keep them occupied when they're too tired to engage - like a TV or audiobook subscription.

Look after yourself too

This one is crucial. You can't be the sort of support your partner needs if you're not looking after yourself too. Make sure you do the things that make you feel good - whether that's doing a hobby, going to the gym, hanging out with pals or just taking 30 mins break every now and again. Eating good quality nutritious food, exercising when you can and talking to people who can support you are all crucial for managing this new normal. Don't neglect yourself.

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