Nine tips for navigating awkward conversations around cancer

Conversations around cancer aren't always easy. Whether you're talking to your pals, loved ones, partner or even your medical team, knowing how to deal with topics that might feel tricky can go a long way in helping you manage your relationships. Here we share our top nine tips for navigating awkward discussions around cancer - whether you're a patient or someone who cares about one.

#1: Understand and acknowledge the awkwardness

People feel uncomfortable when having conversations about cancer for lots of reasons. They may feel like it's a taboo, or they might know people who have died from cancer. They might just not know what to say or how to respond. The first step to diffuse an awkward situation is to acknowledge that something feels off. While your immediate reaction might be to pretend that everything is ABSOLUTELY FINE when it isn't only increases the discomfort. Saying something simple like "I know this might feel a bit awkward!" can lift the mood and make other people feel at ease with where you are in the conversation.

#2: Lighten the mood if you feel you want to

You might find there are opportunities to add a bit of lightness to your conversation - and this can be incredibly helpful if you're finding things uncomfortable. And let's face it, while cancer and it's associated treatments aren't inherently funny, there are funny moments. Telling a joke or story which might make people laugh or finding the humour in your current situation can go a long way to lightening the mood. But it's important to only do this if it feels right to you. You don't have to be funny about cancer if you don't want to.

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#3: Choose kindness

Unless someone is outright rude to you (see the next point!), it's important to be as kind as possible, both to yourself and others. If you find yourself struggling with a conversation, that's OK. Talking about cancer can be a lot. If someone you're speaking to is finding things difficult, it's worth thinking about why that might be. Maybe they've had their own experiences with cancer, even if they haven't been diagnosed themselves. Maybe they're worried about you. Maybe they just don't know what to say. Communication is a two way street, and if we move through it with as much kindness as possible, we're on the right track.

#4: Be assertive

Sometimes conversations don't go as well as you might hope. If you find yourself in a conversation with someone who is rude, has asked you something inappropriate or has made you uncomfortable in any way, it's OK to stand up for yourself if you feel you can. Take control by saying something assertive, such as "I would rather not discuss that." If they try to press it, remember...

#5: Don't be afraid to exit the conversation

If you have a reason to want to leave a conversation or move on from the topic, that's OK. You don't owe anyone any information about your cancer experience. If you want to walk away from a conversation, but feel concerned about explaining why, you can wait for a lull in the conversation and then make your excuses. You can say you need the loo, invite someone else into the conversation and disappear. Hell, you can even fake a phonecall if that feels right for you. Don't stay in a situation which makes you feel uncomfortable for the sake of keeping up appearances.

#6: Know your own boundaries

Having a conversation about cancer doesn’t have to mean sharing things you don’t feel comfortable with. You might know that you don't want to talk about cancer on a specific day. Be up front about that. Saying things like "I don't want to talk about cancer today" can help those you're with know what page you're on. Similarly, figure out what you do feel comfortable talking about, so if someone tries to get you to talk about something, you know in advance what you feel OK with sharing. Knowing, sticking to and communicating your boundaries can help make you feel safer in conversations.

#7: Understand why the right kind of talking helps

They say a problem shared is a problem halved. It's a cliche for a reason. Talking to the right person in a supportive way can make all the difference when you're going through cancer treatment. Talking about what's going on for us can help us process and make sense of complex feelings. It can provide you with acknowledgement and validation, as well as reducing your stress and providing an emotional release. It can also help us build stronger connections. Human connections are built on shared experiences and opening up about our feelings is a key part of the shared human experience.

#8: Recognise people might say the 'wrong' thing

Sometimes, people say things that just get your back up. That's part of being human too. The media and popular culture all contribute to how we think and speak about cancer - and it can lead to people saying the wrong thing. They might tell you carrots are a cure-all, meditation is like a magic pill for your wellbeing or they might tell you you've got the 'good kind of cancer' (??). As annoying as these things can be, more often they come from a well-meaning place. Try to remember what it was like for you talking about cancer before you were diagnosed. If you feel comfortable, you can say why what they've just said isn't helpful to you and offer an alternative. Our resource on navigating friendships and cancer has some tips for the best things to say.

#9: Know who to talk to

There are some people who just aren't the right people to talk to about cancer. Some people might find it hard because they don't know what to say to you, while others might have experienced losses around cancer which impact their ability to be the support you need. While they may not be the right person to talk to about cancer, the right people are out there. You might find them in the Trekstock community, through local support groups, online or through relationships you already have. Otherwise, it's worth thinking about talking to an expert like a counsellor or therapist - someone who isn't involved in your life might offer a valuable space for reflection.

Bonus: Try not to overthink it

Sometimes we can get in our heads about things, making them seem worse than they are. Talking about cancer is hard (and sometimes you might not want to talk about it at all - that's OK too!) but remember it's your story, your life and your experiences. You can share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. This might be different day to day and person to person, so do what feels right for you.

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Check out our Trekstock Talks series on communication here: