Cancer ghosting – and other impacts on friendships
Because navigating friendships in your 20s or 30s is hard enough without cancer.
There’s no avoiding relationships change when you go through cancer treatment. Some people show up better than others. Some people back away. Here we share tips for talking about cancer, how a friend can support someone with cancer and how you can look after yourself if a friendship breaks down. You’ll also find our Lifting the Lid on Friendship at the bottom of the page.
After being diagnosed with cancer, maintaining friendships can be tricky. Some people may say the 'wrong' thing. Some may not even know what to say, meaning they become distant and unresponsive. But some may turn out to be those magical friends who get it *exactly right.*
When you’re in your 20s or 30s and get a cancer diagnosis, you might be the first person in your group (or even workplace) to experience it. People are often scared of cancer and can find it difficult to know what to say without causing more distress. Sometimes, this can lead to being ghosted by your friends, or create other issues which can have long-lasting impacts on relationships.
Tips for talking about your cancer
Introduce the subject gradually: When you tell people about a cancer diagnosis, it can be helpful to introduce the subject gradually. You might say ‘this might be difficult to hear, but I need to tell you something’. If you want to chat about it during treatment and beyond, it can be useful to say, ‘I need to talk about something – is it OK if I chat to you?’.
Know there’s no right or wrong way to talk about it: However, you want to share, especially in the days following diagnosis, know it’s OK to do it in whatever way works for you. You might want to write a letter, make a phone call, send a message or ask someone else to share the news for you. Do whatever you feel most comfortable with.
Break the information down: You don’t need to share everything all at once. Sharing what you know in small bites can make it easier to digest. Checking if the person you’re chatting to understands by asking ‘does that make sense?’ can help you feel heard.
Ask what they already know: When you know what someone already knows about cancer, or your cancer experience specifically, it means you don’t have to waste your precious energy repeating information.
Don’t worry if it sinks in slowly: Silences are common in these situations. If you’re finding any prolonged silence uncomfortable, you can ask ‘what are you thinking right now?’ to further the conversation.
Be honest: Sometimes we’re afraid of being honest, but it’s better for everyone if you’re clear with them about what you need, how you’re feeling and how they can help.
Prioritise: You’ve likely got a lot on your mind, but you might notice that there are a few things that feel particularly pressing to talk about. Try to focus on these so it’s easier for you both to work through.
Don’t be afraid of small talk: If in doubt, talk about the weather, what’s on TV, what you’ve been reading lately or ask what your pal has been up to. Not talking about cancer all the time can help you live life alongside cancer better.
Ask for help: Often we sort of expect our mates to be mind readers. But they’ve likely never been in this situation before. Asking them for help with specific things can make it easier for them to do what you need them to do, rather than what they think is best.
How to support a friend with cancer
If you’re here because you want to support a pal with cancer, you’re in the right place. Thanks for being there for the people you love. Research from our friends at Maggie’s revealed the best ways to show up for someone with cancer:
- 52% said listening to me talk or cry
- 46% said driving me to my appointments
- 45% said keeping me company at my appointments
- 40% said helping with my children – taking them to school, classes, playdates, looking after them while I’m at appointments
- 35% said bringing round cooked meals
- 26% said looking after my pet
- 14% said helping with my housework
Get support from someone who’s been there
Knowing you can chat to someone without explaining everything can be comforting when you’re living life alongside cancer. That’s why the Trekstock community exists. It’s home to people like you who know exactly what a curveball cancer in your 20s or 30s is. Over in our online community, you’ll find people who’ve been there, done that and got the (Merch for Good T-shirt).
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